Grief...

Merriam-Webster Student Dictionary defines "GRIEF" :  deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; also : a cause of such suffering

... it goes on to say that GRIEF and SORROW are simular and describes SORROW to be: 1.(a) deep distress, sadness, or regret especially for the loss of someone or something loved (b) resultant unhappy or unpleasant state (to their great sorrow they could not marry)   2: a cause of grief or sadness     3: a display of grief or sadness

This past year I learned what Grief & Sorrow felt like to me when in March my wonderful nephew Todd passed away at age 27.  Grief & Sorrow struck again just days before Christmas when my older sister Pat passed away in Decemberat age 54.

These were the most difficult events since my Head Injury... and I was terrified that I would not, or could not survive these heartbreaking losses.  Initially when I learned we were losing Todd... my thoughts were so self-centered and became disabling:

How would I cope? Will I be too "muddled"? I can't do this! What if I get depressed again? Will the nightmares come back?  What if I can't find the words or say somthing wrong? What if they have to increase my medications again? I can't do this!!...

I was so very terrified that I began getting "muddled" and word-finding was an enormous task... I wasn't sleeping well, forgetting to eat, couldn''t complete even the simplest tasks without experiencing anxiety and panic attacks.  My daughter kept telling me I was going to be "okay", she would help me through it, my Fiance was excellent at calming me down and talking me through alot of the anxiety and fears.

But it wasn't until I pulled out my "tool box" of books, CD's, video sessions, work books, memo cards.. everything I used following the TBI ... that I truly began to believe I was going to make it through these difficult times.  I think that it was then that I realized that all the therapy and re-learning that took place after the accident, was not a one-shot fix... but a lifetime committment to ensuring my wellness and ability to function to best of my ability. 

My "tool box" took on new meaning, it is to Me what insulin is to a Diabetic. I have to be aware and be ready to put these tools to work to survive. I had to get back to a healthy functioning state to be able to cope with the death of a loved one so dear to my heart.

I also had to learn "how" to grieve, healthy grieving... I learned it was okay to cry and have depressive thoughts, I learned that I would not tumble back into that pit of severe depression if I allowed myself to grieve and share my grief. I could experience the pain & sorrow without letting the pain overcome me.... I managed to make it through Todd's funeral and the Family gathering that followed , yes... I did get muddled up and couldn't remember names... speech was difficult and word finding was a task.. but I survived and worked on regaining those temporary deficits.

In December, when my sister Pat passed away, it was even harder than I thought it would be. I don't remember much of the day Pat was laid to rest. I don't remember who I spoke to or if I spoke at all, I do know that following the service my daughter took me back to the Hotel room and I fell into a deep sleep.  We flew home that night.  However, I knew it would be harder so with my daughters help, I made sure I did what I needed to do to make it. We flew into London the night before the service and then left the next evening. I knew I could not be around large groups, I knew I needed a very quiet retreat so booked a hotel room instead of staying with Family. I also knew I had to be in my own secure enviroment to grieve. I had meals planned and people with me at meal times, I napped when I needed to and cried when I needed to. The sooner I could get back into my comfortable routine, the sooner I could deal with the grief in a healthy way.

Following the TBI, I experience PSTD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the depression was overwhelming. the grief over the losses incurred by the TBI... almost destroyed me. One of my Therapists told me last year tthat for the first 3 - 6 months my Team was doing Triage... just trying to keep me alive... not due to physical ailmets/injuries... but  due to the severe depression. I honestly don't remember what THAT grief felt like, although I know I did grieve. The pain & the sorrow were so real at the time I really did believe they would consume my body & soul.

Now as I grieve for the loss of Todd & Pat, I experience the grief and let myself feel the bouts of sorrow at their passing. However, there is a gentle mix of warmth and yes... even joy... when I recall the wonderful experiences we shared, funny events, the wonderful love that flowed so easily. I feel blessed to have been a part of their lives and had a place in their hearts.

If someone was to ask me to define Grief & Sorrow I would say: Grief is that tug at your heart to let you know and experience the loss of someone or somthing that you cherished and/or valued greatly. Grief doesn't just tug at your heart to signal tears of sadness or sad thoughts, it also triggers those memories locked away that allow you smile and share your heartfelt thoughts with others.  Those who grief deeply may state their heart was "ripped out"... but I assure you, it will be there filled with the good thoughts & memories as well when you are ready. Sorrow is is the deep anguish we sense or feel with the loss. Sorrow runs deep in our hearts and it is that feeling that seems to fill the void we mistakenly think is left by the loss.  I believe we have to experience the sorrow to release it, and then to discover that there really is no void in our Heart...  we have filled it with even more love & memories for those we lost.